15 - HIIT Me Baby One More Time

Are you one of those people who technically has a gym membership but only ever goes for the sauna? Then I’ve got a sexy alternative: ditch the gym and become the gym.

No joke—I recently discovered a fascinating subculture: people who treat sex like a competitive sport. And I don’t mean professionals on set. I mean highly motivated civilians. The goal? To maintain physically demanding positions for as long as possible—ones that challenge your core but not your climax. Depending on the desired workout duration, muscles are pushed to the point of burning, and the only reason anyone’s screaming isn’t lust—it’s lactic acid. Think of it as the perfect combination of endurance training and ecstasy.

While other people down protein shakes at the gym, here the post-workout fluids are, well… freshly tapped. Oral, anal, vaginal—or to go in a bag, depending on taste.

Now, if you're in France and looking for one of these sporty types, there’s a little fashion tip that might help. They're often spotted in gear from the brand Le Coq Sportif. If you're unsure how to pronounce that, "coq," meaning "rooster"—the French national symbol—is pronounced exactly like "cock" in English. So yes, people in Paris walk around with “Sporty Cock” written across their chests—and no one bats an eye. That’s confidence. And maybe that’s why the French are said to be such excellent lovers.

This, of course, raises the question: is sex aerobics a French phenomenon? 

I’d love to confirm this hypothesis, but unfortunately I haven’t had enough Tinder dates in France to establish statistical validity. Research is ongoing.

Now, most athletes watch fitness videos for inspiration—so what do these athletes use for training? In the name of science (and professional curiosity), I scrolled through a few popular porn sites. I stumbled into categories I didn’t even know were legal—but not a single one was called ‘Sex-Aerobics’. Total missed opportunity. 

Think about it: one person wants more sex, the other more movement—this is the ultimate win-win. HIIT with a Happy Ending. Whip optional.

Take Chloé, for example. She’s the definition of a sex aerobicist. For her, sex isn’t good when everyone’s come—it’s only good if you wake up sore the next day and think of her every time you shift in your seat. My husband was a little confused at first by being used as “her personal fitness studio,” but now?

He’s very much enjoying being objectified. Apparently, men want to be used too occasionally. Gyms charge you to operate their machines yourself. With sex aerobics, it’s the other way around: the man gets used—for free.

My husband thought he was in decent shape. Until Chloé brought him to his knees. Literally. It’s not his sexual limits she’s testing—it’s his range of motion. While I’m on the yoga mat working on my downward dog, she’s on top of him mastering her upward cowgirl.

Like the loving wife I am, I now spend our evenings gently pushing his knees toward the floor while he does butterfly stretches—so he can better meet the athletic demands of his pleasure partner.

My husband is now not only fitter but also, shall we say… significantly more flexible.

In every way.