17 - Now Hiring: Executive Director of Bed Traffic (m/f/d)

We are currently looking for a part-time, highly talented, and—most importantly—experienced Executive Director of Bed Traffic. Why, you ask?

Because our sex life now requires more logistics than a Berlin airport opening.

Once upon a time, it was just the two of us.

Then three.

Now?

We’re juggling entire households. Suddenly it’s not just about syncing calendars—it’s about choreographing a dance of needs, time slots, and mattress occupancy. All so the right people can land in the right beds at the right time.

Pablo is only available on odd-numbered weeks. Cléo occasionally contributes her bed on Tuesdays—but only if her husband’s in Paris. Giovanni is an agent of chaos. He doesn’t do calendars, because for that he could be forced to communicate with his partner. With him, flexibility is key.

So the real question is: How do you keep this sexy circus running without turning it into a full-blown scheduling disaster?

Here are 5 things that help:

1. Remote Work:

   Lunch breaks are suddenly a lot more relaxing when you’re not battling your coworkers for microwave access but instead serving something much tastier than leftovers—your delightful pleasure partner. Nothing boosts morale like a quick nooner with your favorite pleasure partner. It’s the only kind of performance review the hubby actually enjoys.

   
   

2. Full-Day School:

   Knowing the house is kid-free from 8 to 4? A total blessing. Now you just have to send your spouse off to their bouldering session—and voilà, your no-dress-code, four-eyes-only meeting can commence.That said, we’ve learned this rule is mostly theoretical. The system is prone to breakdowns: sick kids, teacher strikes, surprise holidays, and headaches. Always have a Plan B, and ideally, a good hiding spot for sexy underwear, a butt plug or two, and—just in case—a slower lover.

   
   

3. Dayuse.com:

   Sometimes two people are free… but the bed is not. Sure, the car is technically an option—sometimes amusing, rarely ideal. Enter: dayuse.com. A site that lets you book hotel rooms for just a few hours—at a fraction of the overnight price. If you're now imagining shady motels with vibrating beds and no windows, think again. We’re talking two to five stars—plenty of options for every taste and budget. I was genuinely surprised. Until Pablo mentioned it, I had no idea this existed. Who knew hotel rooms could be rented by the hour—and still come with fluffy towels and five-star soap? I used to go to hotels for vacations. Now I go there for orgasms. It’s still a form of escape—just with less luggage and more lube.

   
   

4. German Planning Skills:

   It’s incredibly helpful if you (or your partner) possess some classic German scheduling DNA. Otherwise, you may one day find yourself half-naked and making bedroom eyes at your Catholic tax advisor—who only came by for a quick coffee. Try explaining that over spreadsheets and cookies.

   
   

5. Flexible Hours:

   Being able to have fun during the day and work at night is a true gift. It lets us balance professional obligations with private pleasure—ideally under the same roof… or at least under a few shared bedcovers.

So, do you have what it takes to rise to the challenge?

Do you dream of overseeing strategic pillow placement at the highest level?

Are you a crisis-management pro, especially when it comes to last-minute schedule changes or spontaneous mattress rebookings?

Then please submit your application.

CV not required.

But discretion? Highly recommended.

Bonus points if you’ve ever scheduled a threesome and a dentist appointment in the same Google Calendar.